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When it comes to pain and shadow, there are two tendencies: we either try to hide negativity and pain and show only what’s positive, pretending the other side does not exist, or we exaggerate the negative side, putting too much attention into it. Both ways are some forms of presenting our personalities to others, hoping to be accepted and loved.

We normally hesitate to search for our inner truth. But when pushed against the wall, there is no more time for hesitation. It’s a matter of break through or die. For me, breaking through used to mean fighting, holding ground, and not giving up. I was a type of warrior and a very stubborn one. Ayahuasca and San Pedro have both taught me the power of surrender. I realized a fight was pointless and opened to the pain, embraced it, and absolutely surrendered to that moment. I stopped asking why, I stopped looking for a way out of it. I just watched that pain, allowed myself to experience it fully in its most intense form, feeling open and vulnerable. And what I found there was Freedom like never before.

A comfortable life can be one of the biggest obstacles on the way to be free. When we have comfort, we stay asleep. We believe we have time. There is always something more important externally. Even if there is some pulling to wake up, external pleasures keep our focus mostly outwards and the play of personality continues. Pain changes everything. When it comes, it crushes down all our comfort. It reminds you that all these pleasures and distractions is just a play of temporary forms. It takes away all your illusions about what love is. If you are too attached to anything outside, believing love is somewhere out there in an external form of people, things, money, certain experiences, instead of choosing to search for it within, sooner or later pain will come. Pain urges you to reconsider your life priorities. Without pain, we would be too lazy to answer the inner calling. There are so many people having different life dramas, stuck in a loop for years. How many people are lucky enough to be pushed against the wall and find themselves in the middle of darkness? And how many of them are brave enough to surrender and open to that – which means doing exactly the opposite most people usually do when facing the pain? Because most of them shrink and close inside, building protective shields, creating more and more blockages and boundaries around them, and falling deeper asleep.

Pain teaches you to let go and embrace it. It’s like a messenger of love in disguise, inviting you to go deeper than just remaining stuck in a dualistic external and ever-changing surface of Creation. It urges you to distinguish what’s illusory and what’s real. For me, one of the biggest miracles is observing how every pain can lead straight to bliss in the shortest way. The darkest corner, the most uncomfortable spot, is the gateway to freedom and bliss.

When you choose to stay closed and resist, you choose to suffer your experience. When you choose to open and surrender, just taking pain as it is and saying ok to it, you end up realizing you have just freed yourself from the illusion of suffering, and the only thing that stays is Love.

In that moment of total surrender, darkness and light merge and you realize that they were never different, but made from the same substance, which is pure Love. You are in the middle of a sphere, centered in your heart and all that surrounds you IS you. You are It. All That Is.

You will discover that ‘upper and lower’, ‘inner and outer’ are dimensions in your psyche, that you are Creators in each space of consciousness. The world as you see it is your own creation. You live within yourself.

However, surrender is not being passive. It’s doing what you can accordingly to the situation and your heart, and at the same time not resisting what comes. It is a paradox: it’s giving up and not giving up at the same time. It is a combination of masculine energy – that helps you walk the path and brings you at the door, and feminine energy – that helps you accept, embrace, and surrender. The power of surrender in the darkest moments can heal even the biggest traumas and bring liberation and healing. Of course, when you have enough awareness and feel supported enough to dive into the pain. That’s why guidance is so important in this process.

And one more thing – you don’t have to treat yourself so seriously all the time. The ability to laugh at yourself in the middle of a drama is priceless.